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Nope, this just wasn't for me. We start off watching a pretty unfunny stand up routine from "Bert" (Bert Kreischer) that pretty quickly has an old Russian gent shooting at his telly! So far, I'm in accord with him. Turns out, though, that he's not just annoyed at the act, but that 20-odd years ago this comic robbed him on a train of a family artefact. Bent on retrieving this, he despatches daughter "Irina" (Iva Babic) to track him down and either reclaim his property or bring him to Russia for an unique sort of revenge. Meantime, "Bert" is going through the usual family crises, that have his therapist reaching for the shotgun, when his estranged father "Albert" (Mark Hamill) shows up for his granddaughter's sixteenth birthday. Lots of teenage histrionics see him actually rescued by his European visitors who whisk both of them off for some adventures reliving his earlier tour (as Jimmy Tatro now) drinking and snorting his way around Moscow and becoming the legend that is "The Machine". (Apparently he was going for something more macho, but got the words wrong). Retracing his steps, his train journey etc., we get the gist quickly of the old him being a bit of a thoughtless tit and... By this point I really couldn't care. It's riddled with poor acting and ageing stereotypes that just aren't funny. What was Mark Hamill thinking? Vodka swilling whilst using cocaine straight off a sweaty hooker's back might have been entertaining in the 1980s, but Kreischer just hasn't the skill to hold this together while Babic does her best to exude the menace of Cate Blanchett (India Jones circa 2008), and Tatro just looks like the long lost Jonas brother who has watched a bit too much "Bill & Ted'. People in the cinema did laugh, so it can't have been all bad - but for me this was just puerile and at times almost excruciating to sit through for the almost two hours of my life that I won't get back.
Happy surprises that come out of left field are sometimes the best, especially when it comes to low-concept comedies. I went in to the awful looking “The Machine” with below-zero expectations, but came out absolutely charmed by just about everything in the movie. Nothing about this film should’ve worked and it definitely shouldn’t have ended up being as entertaining as it actually is, but here is one of those rare success stories where a little movie plays to its strengths and comes out on top. Stand-up comedian Bert Kreischer rose to fame by recounting his drunken college exploits as The Machine, a nickname he was given as a result of his (supposedly true) experience with Russian mobsters in the early 1990s. Director Peter Atencio decided to make a movie based on Kreischer’s comedy act, adding a bit of fiction and action to the mix. The film takes place over 20 years after his original trip to Russia, and Bert (Kreischer) is now married with a family of his own. It’s his eldest daughter’s Sweet 16, and two unwelcome guests crash the party: his estranged father Albert (Mark Hamill) and tough as nails Russian mobster Irina (Iva Babic). Irina kidnaps the two men and takes them back to her country so Bert can atone for his acts against her powerful crime family, which included robbing a train and stealing a family heirloom. Together, the trio retrace the steps that the younger Bert (Jimmy Tatro) took all those years ago. It’s actually a good story foundation for building a solid comedy, and the quick-witted verbal jokes and physical gags are equally funny. I laughed throughout this movie, and I can’t remember one single zinger that didn’t work. Kreischer may not be the most talented actor around, but his years working as a stand-up comic have given him a casual stage presence that translates well to the screen. He’s a likeable everyman, and he, Hamill, and Babic have a great chemistry. Tatro is equally delightful as the younger version of Bert, a goofy and drunk college kid who does a whole lot of stupid things. Some of the action bits are too corny, but that’s one of the few things I can criticize. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a comedy where I find myself quoting lines weeks afterward, but “The Machine” is so funny that I could see many of the one-liners becoming permanent residents in my movie vocabulary archive. This boisterous film isn’t for everyone, but those who want to laugh and have a good time at the theater should absolutely give this one a look. By: Louisa Moore
Mason Storm, a 'go it alone' cop, is gunned down at home. The intruders kill his wife, and think they've killed both Mason and his son too. Mason is secretly taken to a hospital where he spends several years in a coma. His son meanwhile is growing up thinking his father is dead. When Mason wakes up, everyone is in danger - himself, his son, his best friend, his nurse - but most of all those who arranged for his death
Forrest Taft is an environmental agent who works for the Aegis Oil Company in Alaska. Aegis Oil's corrupt CEO is the kind of person who doesn't care whether or not oil spills into the ocean or onto the land—just as long as it's making money for him.
When an experienced thief accidentally makes off with a Van Gogh, his partner is kidnapped by gangsters in pursuit of the painting, forcing the criminal to hatch a rescue plan.
A renowned former army scout is hired by ranchers to hunt down rustlers but finds himself on trial for the murder of a boy when he carries out his job too well. Tom Horn finds that the simple skills he knows are of no help in dealing with the ambitions of ranchers and corrupt officials as progress marches over him and the old west.
The avenging angel of Marvel Comics fame comes brilliantly to life in this searing action-adventure thriller! Dolph Lundgren stars as Frank Castle, a veteran cop who loses his entire family to a mafia car bomb. His ex-partner believes Castle survived the blast and became the Punisher, living in the sewers and exacting vigilante violence against mob bosses throughout the city. When the populace is caught in the midst of a gang war that he caused, Castle must again emerge from the shadows and save the innocent.
The blood-soaked land of Kolar Gold Fields (KGF) has a new overlord now - Rocky, whose name strikes fear in the heart of his foes. His allies look up to Rocky as their Savior, the government sees him as a threat to law and order; enemies are clamoring for revenge and conspiring for his downfall. Bloodier battles and darker days await as Rocky continues on his quest for unchallenged supremacy.
When undercover FBI agent Frank Castle's wife and son are slaughtered, he becomes 'the Punisher' - a ruthless vigilante willing to go to any length to avenge his family.
Khalid, entrusted with the task of eliminating former soldier turned rogue Kabir, engages in an epic battle with his mentor who taught him everything.
Firefighter Gordon Brewer is plunged into the complex and dangerous world of international terrorism after he loses his wife and child in a bombing credited to Claudio 'The Wolf' Perrini.
An Army veteran assembles a team of bodyguards to protect a former boxer. Complications arise when the boxer suspects his sister may be romantically involved with the bodyguard.
The comic strip detective finds his life vastly complicated when Breathless Mahoney makes advances towards him while he is trying to battle Big Boy Caprice's united mob.
