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Nope, this just wasn't for me. We start off watching a pretty unfunny stand up routine from "Bert" (Bert Kreischer) that pretty quickly has an old Russian gent shooting at his telly! So far, I'm in accord with him. Turns out, though, that he's not just annoyed at the act, but that 20-odd years ago this comic robbed him on a train of a family artefact. Bent on retrieving this, he despatches daughter "Irina" (Iva Babic) to track him down and either reclaim his property or bring him to Russia for an unique sort of revenge. Meantime, "Bert" is going through the usual family crises, that have his therapist reaching for the shotgun, when his estranged father "Albert" (Mark Hamill) shows up for his granddaughter's sixteenth birthday. Lots of teenage histrionics see him actually rescued by his European visitors who whisk both of them off for some adventures reliving his earlier tour (as Jimmy Tatro now) drinking and snorting his way around Moscow and becoming the legend that is "The Machine". (Apparently he was going for something more macho, but got the words wrong). Retracing his steps, his train journey etc., we get the gist quickly of the old him being a bit of a thoughtless tit and... By this point I really couldn't care. It's riddled with poor acting and ageing stereotypes that just aren't funny. What was Mark Hamill thinking? Vodka swilling whilst using cocaine straight off a sweaty hooker's back might have been entertaining in the 1980s, but Kreischer just hasn't the skill to hold this together while Babic does her best to exude the menace of Cate Blanchett (India Jones circa 2008), and Tatro just looks like the long lost Jonas brother who has watched a bit too much "Bill & Ted'. People in the cinema did laugh, so it can't have been all bad - but for me this was just puerile and at times almost excruciating to sit through for the almost two hours of my life that I won't get back.
Happy surprises that come out of left field are sometimes the best, especially when it comes to low-concept comedies. I went in to the awful looking “The Machine” with below-zero expectations, but came out absolutely charmed by just about everything in the movie. Nothing about this film should’ve worked and it definitely shouldn’t have ended up being as entertaining as it actually is, but here is one of those rare success stories where a little movie plays to its strengths and comes out on top. Stand-up comedian Bert Kreischer rose to fame by recounting his drunken college exploits as The Machine, a nickname he was given as a result of his (supposedly true) experience with Russian mobsters in the early 1990s. Director Peter Atencio decided to make a movie based on Kreischer’s comedy act, adding a bit of fiction and action to the mix. The film takes place over 20 years after his original trip to Russia, and Bert (Kreischer) is now married with a family of his own. It’s his eldest daughter’s Sweet 16, and two unwelcome guests crash the party: his estranged father Albert (Mark Hamill) and tough as nails Russian mobster Irina (Iva Babic). Irina kidnaps the two men and takes them back to her country so Bert can atone for his acts against her powerful crime family, which included robbing a train and stealing a family heirloom. Together, the trio retrace the steps that the younger Bert (Jimmy Tatro) took all those years ago. It’s actually a good story foundation for building a solid comedy, and the quick-witted verbal jokes and physical gags are equally funny. I laughed throughout this movie, and I can’t remember one single zinger that didn’t work. Kreischer may not be the most talented actor around, but his years working as a stand-up comic have given him a casual stage presence that translates well to the screen. He’s a likeable everyman, and he, Hamill, and Babic have a great chemistry. Tatro is equally delightful as the younger version of Bert, a goofy and drunk college kid who does a whole lot of stupid things. Some of the action bits are too corny, but that’s one of the few things I can criticize. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a comedy where I find myself quoting lines weeks afterward, but “The Machine” is so funny that I could see many of the one-liners becoming permanent residents in my movie vocabulary archive. This boisterous film isn’t for everyone, but those who want to laugh and have a good time at the theater should absolutely give this one a look. By: Louisa Moore
NYPD cop John McClane's plan to reconcile with his estranged wife is thrown for a serious loop when, minutes after he arrives at her office, the entire building is overtaken by a group of terrorists. With little help from the LAPD, wisecracking McClane sets out to single-handedly rescue the hostages and bring the bad guys down.
Mark Kaminsky is kicked out of the FBI for his rough treatment of a suspect. He winds up as the sheriff of a small town in North Carolina. FBI Chief Harry Shannon, whose son has been killed by a mobster named Patrovina, enlists Kaminsky in a personal vendetta with a promise of reinstatement into the FBI if Patrovina is taken down. To accomplish this, he must go undercover and join Patrovina's gang.
After talking to an AI online, our protagonist, Mayne, is receiving strange phone calls from an unknown person. Soon he will have to face heavy threats, and get engaged into an action packed adventure to save humanity from evil forces.
A Texas cop battles ex-navy seals who are trying to traffic drugs from Mexico into the USA.
A period drama set in the 1970s, KGF follows the story of a fierce rebel who rises against the brutal oppression in Kolar Gold Fields and becomes the symbol of hope to legions of downtrodden people.
Gino Felino is an NYPD detective from Brooklyn who knows everyone and everything in his neighborhood. Killing his partner was someone's big mistake... because he's now out for justice.
Paul Kersey is again a vigilante trying to find five punks who murdered his housekeeper and daughter in Los Angeles.
Hired assassin John Lee is asked by Chinatown crime boss Terence Wei to murder the young son of policeman Stan Zedkov. Lee has the boy in his sights, but his conscience gets the better of him, and he spares the child's life. Afraid that Wei will take revenge on his family in China, Lee seeks out expert forger Meg Coburn to obtain the passport he needs to get out of the country, but a band of replacement killers is soon on his trail.
Chen Chen returns to his former school in Shanghai when he learns that his beloved instructor has been murdered. While investigating the man's death, Chen discovers that a rival Japanese school is operating a drug smuggling ring. To avenge his master’s death, Chen takes on both Chinese and Japanese assassins… and even a towering Russian.
Mason Storm, a 'go it alone' cop, is gunned down at home. The intruders kill his wife, and think they've killed both Mason and his son too. Mason is secretly taken to a hospital where he spends several years in a coma. His son meanwhile is growing up thinking his father is dead. When Mason wakes up, everyone is in danger - himself, his son, his best friend, his nurse - but most of all those who arranged for his death
Forrest Taft is an environmental agent who works for the Aegis Oil Company in Alaska. Aegis Oil's corrupt CEO is the kind of person who doesn't care whether or not oil spills into the ocean or onto the land—just as long as it's making money for him.